Hey guys! Ok, so I'm sure a lot of you have heard by now, but I will be coming home probably sometime this week from my mission because of medical reasons. It was quite the shock to me and I have to admit I didn't take it very well at first, because you all know I’m pretty much obsessed with my mission and LOVE it so so so much, so I cried and pretty much begged to be able to stay on my mission, but they explained to me that I didn't really have a choice and it was going to happen. Once I realized this was really happening (and after A LOT of tears) I realized I can either come home and be upset or I can accept it gracefully and come home happily with a positive attitude, ready for the next chapter in my life. So now I've accepted it and I'm ok. I really am. I know this is God's plan for me and that he loves me. I loved my mission and served with my whole life. I know I did my best and I have no regrets. But, anyways, I just wanted you guys to here it from me. That way you all don't have to feel super awkward or walk on egg shells around me when I get back and wonder why I came home haha. So I just kinda want to share my experiences from this past week so that you guys know "the whole story" and so that I can share my feelings about my mission. For all of you (cough* mom *cough) who wanted longer emails and details and all that jazz, you are going to be sorry you ever wished that after this email haha. It's gonna be a long one…
Sooo here goes... July 27th I was in my apartment washing dishes when I passed out and ended up being admitted into the ICU at the hospital for 3 days.(Ya that's the last time I do dishes haha) My blood pressure and heart rate was very low and they did lots of tests to figure out what was wrong with me. One of those was an EEG which looks at the brain waves in your brain. When it came back, it came back abnormal... figures... so they sent me to the mission home, and then to the MRC (missionary recovery center) in Manila to figure out what is going on. I've had many doctor appointments at St Lukes Hospital (one of the best hospitals in the world) with cardiologists, neurologists and who knows what else to take a bunch of tests. One of these tests was the Tilt-Table-Test, which is where they pretty much just strap you to a table, stick an IV in you and attach a bunch of wires to you to monitor your heart and blood pressure, and let you lay there for 20 minutes. Then they raise the table so that you are vertical and wait to see if you pass out or react. She said the fastest anyone has ever passed out was after about 6 minutes so just relax and just wait and see what happens. Well, I was pretty surprised because when they raised the bed, almost immediately I got super nauseous, dizzy, and blacked out. They laid me back down and found that my blood pressure went down to 70/30, my heart rate was about 40 per minute and determined that I have a form of Syncope. Syncope is just where when you stand up fast sometimes your heart doesn't realize it needs to pump faster, therefore not enough blood gets to the brain and you pass out. So I was happy because Syncope is not really serious you just have to drink bucket-loads of water, and wiggle your toes before standing up. No big deal right?
So, last Friday I was on my way to my last appointment with the neurologist and I was excited because I thought we had figured out the problem and that I would be able to go back to my mission the next day. So we walk into his office and the first thing he says is "I'm sorry but I have some bad news". Probably the best thing you can hear from a doctor right? ha... no. My heart just dropped and I asked what was wrong. He showed me my old EEG scan from when I was hospitalized in Olongapo and it showed abnormal spikes in the brain waves in the Parietal Lobe which could be causing me to have seizures. Then he showed me the new one that they took here in Manila and well... instead of it just being in the Parietal Lobe they saw epileptic or atonic seizure waves in every part of my brain... ya. And he said that's pretty rare. So I asked what I'm supposed to do about it and he said I can take medicine for it. Then Elder Morrison and Elder Kasteller who was with me, began firing away questions. Then Elder Morrison asked if I would be ok to go on a 17 hour plane ride home. I whipped my head around and was like what?? I don't need to go home, I'll be fine! They just kept asking questions while I stared out the window, trying not to cry. Once we got home we ate dinner and then Elder Kasteller told me he needed to speak to me after dinner... yikes. So he took me down to Elder Morrison's office and they sat me down and just sat there for a second. You know that's never a good sign. So he just started by saying they had been in contact with church headquarters in Salt Lake City and they had come to the decision that I needed to go home for my health and I would be having an honorable medical release. Well, that didn't go over well with me and I just started bawling. I was so not myself and just kept saying that "I can't go home yet, I only have 2 months left! please let me stay, please!" I told them I would do anything to stay and literally begged to stay on my mission. They even let me call Elder Ferrin who I tried to persuade to let me stay. I asked him if there was ANY way I could stay on my mission and just finish my last 2 months... he just said, "No, I'm sorry. This is for you're own good and someday you will understand why this happened." Well, after that I cried and cried and just couldn't believe it. But I did realize that it was now out of my hands and I needed to accept it and accept it happily.
So Elder Kasteller, Elder Morrison and Elder Fepulea'i gave me a blessing and it made me feel so much better and I felt like this was supposed to happen and that God has a plan for my life. Later that night, before going to sleep, I knelt down by my bed and I poured out my heart to my Heavenly Father. I told him how I was feeling and how confused I was. I told him how I thought I was doing what he wanted me to and that I didn't want to go home, that I love my mission and the people in it. BUT then I remembered something I had read in Jesus the Christ earlier that morning about when Jesus Christ was suffering for our sins, the most painful and most agonizing event of the history of mankind. He asked if the cup could be removed from him, if the pain could be taken away, BUT NOT MY WILL, BUT THINE BE DONE. Christ was consecrated and humbled himself and submitted to the will of his Father. So then I told Heavenly Father I really did not want to go home early from my mission BUT it that was his will, then I would do it and be happy about it. Immediately I felt this overwhelming sense of peace and love and comfort and was able to fall asleep smiling. The past few days after that have just been evidence to me of Heavenly Father's love for me and that he cares and is aware of me.
This past Sunday at church I saw a family that I was super close with from Hermosa, they sang my favorite hymn (I Stand All Amazed) and the Primary children got up and sang my very favorite children's song (Heavenly Father Loves Me). They surprised me and called on me to speak and I was able to share my testimony, my love for missionary work, and my love for my savior. I know it seems small, but those small tender mercies made me feel so much better and at peace. I was also able to return to my mission for 2 days and go out with a departing batch of missionaries. I got to see so many of the people I love and I got to participate in all the normal departing missionary activities like going out to dinner, devotional, sleeping over at the mission home, and the big send off. I just felt so much love for me coming from my mission president President Dahle, his wife Sister Dahle, my batch, my best friends Sister Burt, Elder Penano, and Sister Mack, Sister Barlow, Sister Lariosa, Elder Wettestrand, my other fellow missionaries, recent converts, Brother and Sister Querido and of course Heavenly Father. It's funny how things just work out. I have just felt so loved these past few days and have really felt all of your prayers. I just want you all to know (not that you didn't already catch on) that I LOVE my mission. It is the BEST thing that I have done for my life and the greatest experience of my life so far. I have grown so close to my Heavenly Father and to my Savior Jesus Christ. I have learned so much about myself, the gospel, about people, and most of all the power of the Atonement. I have been blessed by the companionship of the Holy Ghost and will be striving the rest of my life to be worthy of his presence in my life 24/7. I love the gospel of Jesus Christ and know that through it families can be together forever and withstand the trials and darkness of the world. I love my family and I am so excited to see them :) I love you all and hope that in some small way, I have been able to help or inspire some of you. Mahal ko kayo! Thank you so much for all of your support for the past 16 months! I'm super excited to see you! See you all real soon!!!!!!!!!!! :D
Love,
Sister Lowe
